Tuesday, January 3, 2012


"I love all beginnings, despite their anxiousness and their uncertainty, which belong to every commencement. If I have earned a pleasure or a reward, or if I wish that something had not happened; if I doubt the worth of an experience and remain in my past--then I choose to begin at this very second.   Begin what? I begin. I have already thus begun a thousand lives." ~ Rilke
Happy 2012, may it bring you happiness, peace, joy, beginnings and contented if not exhilaratingly satisfying endings. 
As I waited to ring in the new year, I reflected back on 2011 and bid farewell to it and all it's lessons and trials.  Honestly, I am not sorry to see the back end of that year.  It was a difficult one for my family.  It started out on a very emotionally and stressful note as we had just learned of my Mom's cancer diagnosis and it just remained a very rocky, roller-coaster-y year.  As well as financially draining thanks mostly to Apocalypse House.  Though I am ecstatic to say that since her surgery Mom has remained cancer free.  2011 wasn't all bad after all.
I posted a saying on my FB wall or timeline as they now have - will they ever stop messing with the FB format??? It read:
"View your life with kindsight, stop beating yourself up about things from your past.  Instead of slapping your forehead and asking:"What was I thinking?" Breathe and ask yourself the kinder question" "What was I learning?" 
I tried to keep that in mind as I went through my datebook, scanning quickly so as not to linger too long on the harder days instead choosing to smile and laugh more at the antics and funny things my children did, learned and experienced.  That's the best part of writing little quips everyday.  I'm so glad that I finally came to some sort of peace with that.  Keeping a datebook near my bed and writing a line or two in there every day.  Then when I do have time to write in the girls journals I just need to flip back to the place I left off at the previous entry and voilĂ ! That way I don't miss all the funny things they say, provided I can remember to write them down as they happen, sometimes by the time I go to bed, I have already forgotten what they may have said and I have to wait for it to come around again! LOL
When I realized I was journalling for the girls and not for myself and then that there wasn't enough time even for much of that, I was afraid that I would forget some things.  My sister Mare and I laugh at how we would write a few "key" words that would spark our memories and let the whole incident, whatever it might be, come flooding back.  In reality - that  never happens.  What happens is more like finding a sticky note that has hastily scribbled words that read: "7/19 (no year BTW) S ~ "LOS SIB was LOS PARENT"  yeah, no clue.  She evidently figured something out, maybe some great discovery, and I have no clue.  So, sticky notes don't work.  Neither does waking up in the middle of the night and scribbling key words incidentally, FYI.  My new way has been working out fairly well as far as using a datebook for day-to-day life, though I have yet to figure out a way to rectify the middle-of-the-night "I have just solved a major problem" scribbles that are never legible!  Should I ever, I shall share with you, no worries.
Yesterday was the day I set aside some time to do my 2012 calendars, adding all the birthdays and special dates that I need to remember.  I find it so strange that by the time I've finished, I've gone through the whole year. BOOM!  I'm at 12/31/12. Already, celebrated all those things in my head, said hi to friends, wished friends and family "Happy Birthday" and "Happy Anniversary", placed a heart and said a prayer on the anniversary of my brother and my father's death.  Looked at all the stuff I did last year and the gifts that were given to me that were so unexpected when I did this same activity last year.  Like my unbelievably beautiful and amazing Goddaughter, last January I didn't have her b-day on the calendar, cause she wasn't in the world yet! But this year she'll be turning one.  Amazing.  Last year I wrote "Groovy/Meep" in the space for Pets for their MD appts and in July we had to go through the unexpected heartache of putting Groovy to sleep.  As I filled out that space this year I wondered if Meep would be getting company in that space anytime soon.  Who knows?  Who knows what joys will befall me this year.  I already have one joy awaiting me....another Goddaughter, just waiting to be born.  Now if that isn't a great beginning to a year, a new year, a new life, a new family member. ♥
I hope the beginning of your year was beautiful in the way you wanted.  I hope it remains to grow and encompass all the things you need to complete your journey through 2012.